It's all so safe and sound.

Looking at old posts is a weird experience.

It all seems too dull and over dramatic. In most instances it was.

I wonder if a person really does fully mature by the age of 25. There has got to be so much more to learn and so many facts to absorb that form a being into a surge of ultra-super knowing....or something along those lines?

Who decided the age was 25? That's ridiculous.

Maturity comes with age...or experience? It's based on such a vast amount of things. This makes it hard to really decide or compare what came first--what contributes to such a thing? In our society, age's are labeled in such a way that may make a person feel that they automatically need to "grow up". Ex: Just because you've turned 18 years old and are legally an adult, does not mean that you magically receive all the responsibilities as someone carrying the same title.

and THAT is where the experience theory comes into play.


Maturity could be based on decision, alone. Then it would all be a facade I suppose. I've met a few people in my life that were trying to mature when it wasn't exactly necessary-- just to fit in. It's easy to pretend to be something you're not. Then again, it's a horrible thing to do to one's self.


You just miss out on a lot.


And with this all being said: I now live in my very own condominium,by myself.

I want to stay as close to the edge as I can without going over. Out on the edge you see all kinds of things you can't see from the center.

I'm sick of myself.






I'm annoying.
It's annoying me that I'm even writing this.


Why am I writing this?

I love the fact that my house has air conditioning.

I do not love the fact that whenever I do a load of laundry, my basement floods.










AHH!

I'm only 20 years old.










I think I may take what I have for granted. I hate saying so, but it might be true.

I have an amazing job.
I have an amazing best friend.
and I have myself.

I'm looking on the brighter side of things.





it's also 4:30 in the morning and i'm too tired to type.

talking is always good.



:]

The ground is crumbling beneath my feet.




I don't know where to stand, or how.

I am extremely.....lame.


Quite loser-ish, I'd say.

You're young until you're not.

I've been wondering for the past couple of months if I should really be doing something.

I haven't experienced the feeling yet. The feeling that you get (this is what I'm assuming) when you just know-- Hey, I need a change.

Yes, I am aware I have said this an over abundant amount of times...but the truth is, I'm not ready for what ever that change may be-- not just yet.

There's always an opportunity, but it's never something I would change my life over. How uncomfortable I would be.

I'm comfortable right now.

You know that feeling of when you are somewhere unfamiliar for quite some time, you come home and there is that relief that quietly creeps up on you? I hope so. I'm beginning to think I'm the only one with this "problem". The home scent. That's what it is and yes, there is such a thing. There is.

Dear Yankee Candle....

and so forth.

I surprise myself everyday.

Paul McCartney is old looking.

Kyle is home.

Ally is home.

We are going camping.







MY LIFE IS SWEET.


:)

15 cc's of "you can't eat for a week!"

So I thought I was better this morning.

LIES!

My throat STILL hurts. I wouldn't mind if it did as much if I could actually eat. My stomach hurts because I haven't had anything to eat in 3 days....ouch.


Screw this, I'm going to take 3 ibuprofen, wait 15 minutes, drink some cough syrup and then eat some speghettio's. In that order. By then I shouldn't be able to feel anything.

I'm going to regret this. hahaha



If I remember correctly. This hurts worse than when I got my tounsils removed.

Of course!

.

Forrest Gump is incredible.


I'm in a state of cough syrup drunkeness....I think? I haven't been this ill in almost 4 years...or ever.

I take theraflu, go to sleep, wake up and repeat. I don't really have a voice and my throat is still hurting. I don't have to work for the next 2 days and I cannot afford another doctor appointment. Beth says I need a doctors note.

Seriously? I've never called in before. I'm slightly offended. Apparently Dave said that I should have Monday off too...so they took care of it for me. I didn't ask for Monday off. I really need the money right now. I can't afford to be sick.

eff.

I'm just now finding out, what it was all about.

I enjoy the crazy weird things in life.



I had a dream about Ben Folds last night. He was performing in Kyle's basement and everything was covered in cake foundant.

That being the crazy thing...

I went to Ben Fold's myspace today and his head line reads:

"Creepin' while you're sleepin'"

Weird.

Honey pie.

"Many people need desperately to receive this message: 'I feel and think much as you do, care about many of the things you care about, although most people do not care about them. You are not alone.'' -Kurt Vonnegut.



Worst night of my life at work.

Thank you for stealing.

Don't forget to throw your trash away on the way out the door.

I figured it out!

Seeing as how I CANNOT figure out how to position pictures so that they coincide with the appropriate paragraphs....Just know that I write about flowers during the latter of this post.

Listening to Ben Folds causes me to feel better,the second I start to hear one of his songs. It's been plaguing me for about 2 weeks as to why. I figured it out and it's kind of strange.


I started listening to Songs for Silverman at a point in my life where I didn't have any problems.


My life rocked at that point and he is all I listened to...besides The Beatles.



I mean, it's good that I'm smiling while thinking of it, right?

My myspace is completely revamped and I can honestly say I'm not satisfied with the way it turned out. I've spent enough time on it to where I don't want to deal with it anymore.

Yes, I did just blog about the revamping of my-space.

In other news, I cleaned my room today. The type of cleaning where you pull out your bed and clean underneath it. Where you sit in a pile of mess on the floor with one hand holding a garbage bag and the other sorting what to throw away and what to keep. The re-arrange the furniture and make new areas to sit type of clean. The type of clean where you do not have a clue as to what filth you are sitting in, but you'll get to it as soon as you sort through old bills, check stubs, and 7 month old magazines that for some reason you still want to keep.

I think I'm paranoid to throw out bills and check stubs because they carry all of my information. Fuck you identity stealers! ::shakes fist::


I bought a bouqet of my favorite flowers today...and they are fake. Flowers that never die are amazing and cheap!

I'm caffeine tired.

A few pictures taken with my phone: tada!

Kyle-- go listen to this, it's Mike's band: http://www.myspace.com/horacepickett

I'm still on day 1 of my 2 days off and I can honestly say that I am completely bored out of my mind...this isn't exactly a surprise, right? Everyone I know that lives here works at Panera. This is old. I wish you could see the face that went with that.

Ben Folds reminds me of summer and riding in my car with the windows down. When the sun was shining brightly, yet there was still a small chill in the air.

Today was a nice day. The type of day where it wasn't warm, but it wasn't cold. The grass is drenched in BRIGHT green and there are rabbits galore in my yard. I feel like Snow White half of the time I'm outside.

I don't look good in red lipstick. Not that I've tried, I just know I'd look hideous.

What exactly is a dinosaur ringtone? Better yet, why don't I have one? I see them advertised on these banners when I use myspace. Incidentally, how do they know I like dinosaurs,Discovery Channel and Ben Folds? I'ts not on my page. I'm officially creeped out.

Should we go outside?

My shadow doesn't even stay to keep me company anymore.



Here I sit.
There it went.


Peter Pan isn't so far fetched, only Never-Never-Land.

Fly home, I miss you.

It's terribly lonely here.

Images.

I was going to write all about my dreams, but I started to become bored and they became boring. Wow.

I like to think my thoughts are organized. Sitting on shelves that are conveniently labled

-imperative- -trivial- -shameless- -courageous- -passion- -untimely- -bold- -destable- and -solicitous-.

They would cover just about the most of it. I picture them in a roll up dial, labled brilliantly with colors of green (why not?) and ready for my finger tips to discover when times allows so.

The only problem with this. I drop this roll up dial, and the cards scatter, mocking me as they fall to the ground.

The result? I don't know what I was going write about any longer.

I'm poor and I want this $400 camera but will never be able to get it. I can dream.

Stay up all night.

The fact that I can only think logically has quite possibily ruined my chances of ever actually living.


When did I grow up?

I want my life back.


It's funny-- I'm stealing from myself.

Funny.

I've forgotten what its like to drive my own car.

Just like you said it would be.

I want the ability to skip one day, without the repercussions.

I'm not sure why I do this, but:

I have countless post-it notes with Megan O'Neil scribbled all over them--at more than one house.


If or when I become famous--Oh wouldn't that person be so lucky?



Imagine that. ha!

Lost in the clouds.

GeodeBoy (1:25:23 AM): i seriously watch that thanksgiving video at night before i fall asleep
GeodeBoy (1:25:39 AM): you feel closer when i see/hear you laugh





We are entirely too far away from each other.


There needs to be more to my life, that isn't Panera Bread.

They grow suspicious of where your loyalties lay.

I need a fresh start.




or to start over.



There is a difference between the two.

I feel stupid when I realize how close my face actually is to the computer.

Odd

I find it odd that I am still able to sit in my work clothes... 3 hours after I'm out of work.

I also find it odd that I am able to be okay and still friends with someone who completely word-fucked the place I've worked for the past 3 years.

With people like that...when they stand their ground...what is the point of an arguement? Especially if this person doesn't even work at your place of employment any longer. No sense....none.

Had it been anybody else that had made such bold statements about Panera....especially since I was mentioned in this statement...I would have more than likely said what was on my mind and felt nothing but disgust for said person...but this wasn't the case at all. It still isn't.

When you don't get a person, you just don't get a person.

Scratch that. I totally get him, but his mind works in ways of rollercoasters and mazes. It's not healthy and its not bareable by any means. Its a way of a joke, and to fall for that joke makes that in itself...an even bigger joke of all. How does he think that way? Why?

When you set someone up to fail, what do you gain from that? Why ask things knowing the response you are about to get...just to judge someone by that? How is that gratifying?


I understand him, I just don't understand him.

My confidence is a pop-up book.

I'm a smart human being.

I am.






Unfortunately, I can also be completely naive and blind to things because my trust wins over the first two.

Wait, I thought I didn't trust easily? Turns out I guess I do in certain circumstances.

My new goal is to find out what these circumstances actually are, because right now...what the fuck.

I don't understand how two people can use each other physically...and still be okay with it while it's happening...or afterwards, for that matter...or ever?

Sometimes I think I have it all figured out. I will put my foot down. I will not be walked all over. I will do my job and only my job...no emotion attached.

Somewhere in between I fall short. I loose sight of things and get too involved. I don't willingly do this-- it's just my nature to do so. This is the reason why I am stressed.


I need to get rid of this exhaustion. Is it healthy to want to scream at the top of your lungs 24/7?

Hey, probably not.



I want my life back. I don't know how to live for myself. Wait, yes I do.....it's just not allowed.

Last I checked, this was my life. Why am I letting everyone else tell me what I should do?

"It is not what you do, but more importantly, it is how you do it"-thanks across the universe.

My thoughts are scattered.

Me:Vacation, where are you?
Vacation:...
Me: Yep, you're gone...probably not coming around any time soon...are you?
Vacation:... :\
Me:Yeah, I figured.
Vacation: can't win 'em all!
Me: Fuck you!


That's how it goes. I'd show you a picture but I lack the motivation to use MS paint. Is that what it's even called on windows vista? I suppose I don't even care.


I don't even have anyone around to enjoy my newfound witty humor. How sad.

This life is boring me.

I miss you.

I hate titles.

Look at him. Do it.

Work=drama free.

It's hard to put in words....how much I am loving the stress free environment.

Awesome.

I was going to have one of those infamous ranting posts...but I'm not in the mood and I honestly can't think of anything that is bothering me at the moment.

Thats not a bad thing.

I want to star in a movie or TV sitcom where I am friends with the whole cast and we would kind of have that whole comradery thing going for us...people would be jealous.

The show would have to be amazing, that is my only requirement.

It would be nice if The Beatles, BJ Novak, and John Krasinski were involved too.

....What???

The Office.

I've spent my whole day off watching season 2 of The Office.

Brilliant.

BJ Novak is the sexiest man alive. I love his awkwardness. Good lord.


In other news, it feels weird to laugh at something when no one else is around. To actually laugh out loud...is weird.

I like it.

I don't believe everything I see.

I've spent the past 2 1/2 years of my life seeking approval...and for what? When I actually get it, it's never good enough and never seems genuine. That is work, I guess.

My standards are too high. Only for myself, that is.


Kyle- check out Matt Costa. He sings this song called "Mr.Pitiful" and it's wonderful. He had some earlier stuff that I really liked but now he's much more crisp? Yeah, thats it.


I just recently finished a great book, and now I am currently reading a great book. Good times all around.

I ask myself.

If someone were to ask me what I find to be the most important "thing" to have in life, my answer would almost always be-- love.
Discovering something such as this would be beyond words.
I actually can't fathom it.

Realizing that I've never actually experienced that type of love, feels like my heart has been stomped on. I guess I see the irony, but it doesn't make me feel any better than what my mind set was orignially.

To have that fleeting feeling. To where you feel so much that your heart aches, and yes-- it can be a good ache. There is such a thing. I believe so.

To want to be completely wrapped up in someone, to understand them and who they are, what they were and try to see what they will become and love them for it-- is that possible? I want to believe that it is possible to admire every aspect of a man. Everything from and not limited to why they cry and laugh, to how they fall asleep at night.

All of that is possible, but to actually have all those feelings back your way equally, I cannot see happening-- ever. There will always be something, and I'm not generalizing this about every relationship. I am speaking on my own terms and about some other instances.

I suppose what I'm getting at is that I'd like to be able to experience being in a relationship with a guy that treats me the way I treat him. I'm basically throwing myself in the deep-end and don't know how to swim, but I can learn.

Its embarrassing. The fact that I cannot actually remember what it is like to be connected with someone in terms of a relationship. I've never had a real relationship with someone that meant,quite frankly, anything. When I was, I did not feel the emotions I wish to now. Maybe I didn't know how? I cannot picture myself with anyone. Smiling, kissing, touching and loving another person. I want to be able to understand how that is. I just cannot see myself in that situation and it scares me. I am afraid that I've defended myself to "protect" my well being so often that it is going to affect me in the long run. I cannot trust. I find flaws in almost everyone except for a select few and they are my friends, nothing more...and I want it that way.

I've experienced/I am still experiencing best friend love. That's the kind where you love this person so much that you cannot see yourself not being their friend. The kind where miles do not matter and your phone lets you do most of the talking-both ways(I say "the phone lets you" for failing signals and bad reception). You do everything together, smile and laugh at the same things, finish each other' sentences-- you know. There is a difference, yes a big one. He will never hurt me, this I am certain. He is my rock. He is my best friend. His name is Kyle.

Is it cliche to lable types of love? I suppose I do not really mind. I digress.

I find it hard to see people getting married. Are they truly in that (as if there is a certain) type of love? They will grow old together because they live for each other? I believe that scares me, but it's intriguing-- no doubt.

I look ahead to my future and I always picture this girl who is wise in her years and too mature for her age, sophisticated and beautiful(I'm beautiful in the future), but doing everything alone. A girl who has been so independent her whole life that she doesn't know how to let anyone in to assist her in anyway. A girl who doesn't trust easily. A girl who is living her biggest fear and doesn't realize it because she doesn't have the time to and a girl who has been tattered and torn by years of lonely patterns that sufficate her until she can't taste the saline any longer. In the future I can no longer cry, it is a bore.


Internally, what a wretched person I would be. What a wretched person I would become. This is what I see. This is what I fear.

I need one.

Every time there seems to be a day off in my future, its like the gods of mother nature gather in a small group to plot against me.

You have Tuesday off? Perfect!--TEN INCHES OF SNOW+RAIN AND SLEET!
Rinse and repeat.


I want the sun and trees covered in lovely shades of green.
On days such as those, days off were rich in beauty and believe it or not--I didn't think of work!


On days such as these, I bore myself.

Family.

I went out to dinner with my second family tonight. I feel more than okay. Karlee says that she can tell that they really care about me. They are good people.

They are great people. They are family.

I'm going to make sure I keep an eye on Deric. Not so much keep an eye...just..visit him and let him know that I'm there. I know it has to be hard for him too.

I can't get over how wonderful that family is....how wonderful they are to me.

How lucky am i?

I have the most amazing best friend in the world, and his family considers me a part of their's as well. I've been soaking it in for a long time. It makes me so...happy. Honestly, I am so fortunate to have them in my life.

To love and be loved back. It just...great...and amazing...and i'm rambling, but i don't mind.

I made my best friend something the other day. It was my only way of saying "thank you" for everything he has ever done for me and continues to do. I just wanted to let him know that I love him and I'm there with him, even if I'm not there physically.

.

I am completely lost in this town.
In this state.

Nothing is working. Talking-writing-crying- screaming-shouting....nothing.
Nothing comes of it at all.
No progress or realizations-- Except:


I am lost in this life.

I am aching a deep ache.

This is the only truth I've found.

Feeling so much emotion.
It's surging through my heart and mind.
Nothing does it to justice.


Always telling myself that writing would help.
The truth is, writing doesn't allow me to explain anything.
I only feel the relief of this stress, this heavy mound of thoughts--when I cry.
Even then I still feel the pain.
How does it go away? How do I get rid of it?

Ignoring it doesn't do anything.
Anything.

Simply choosing to ignore something does not negate the fact that it is still going on, if not stronger than you anticipated.
I know this, yet I still do it.

Too many people to please, trying not to get hurt, trying to be everyone's friend.
To be on the good side of EVERYONE--it doesn't happen.

My mind can't see that most days. I don't like to think it.

I spend so much time giving respect to others, you'd think I'd have a basket full of it by the end of the day. Figuratively speaking.
I put myself in their shoes everyday, more than once...or even twice. Managing a store of people who only think and work for themselves is quite possibly getting me nowhere...really fast.

I quite honestly haven't felt this alone before....and at the end of the day all I really want to do is to go home and see him, but he's almost 3000 miles away living the life I always wish I could live.

I miss my best friend.

I'm happy for him and support him with all of my heart.


He knows that.