I ask myself.

If someone were to ask me what I find to be the most important "thing" to have in life, my answer would almost always be-- love.
Discovering something such as this would be beyond words.
I actually can't fathom it.

Realizing that I've never actually experienced that type of love, feels like my heart has been stomped on. I guess I see the irony, but it doesn't make me feel any better than what my mind set was orignially.

To have that fleeting feeling. To where you feel so much that your heart aches, and yes-- it can be a good ache. There is such a thing. I believe so.

To want to be completely wrapped up in someone, to understand them and who they are, what they were and try to see what they will become and love them for it-- is that possible? I want to believe that it is possible to admire every aspect of a man. Everything from and not limited to why they cry and laugh, to how they fall asleep at night.

All of that is possible, but to actually have all those feelings back your way equally, I cannot see happening-- ever. There will always be something, and I'm not generalizing this about every relationship. I am speaking on my own terms and about some other instances.

I suppose what I'm getting at is that I'd like to be able to experience being in a relationship with a guy that treats me the way I treat him. I'm basically throwing myself in the deep-end and don't know how to swim, but I can learn.

Its embarrassing. The fact that I cannot actually remember what it is like to be connected with someone in terms of a relationship. I've never had a real relationship with someone that meant,quite frankly, anything. When I was, I did not feel the emotions I wish to now. Maybe I didn't know how? I cannot picture myself with anyone. Smiling, kissing, touching and loving another person. I want to be able to understand how that is. I just cannot see myself in that situation and it scares me. I am afraid that I've defended myself to "protect" my well being so often that it is going to affect me in the long run. I cannot trust. I find flaws in almost everyone except for a select few and they are my friends, nothing more...and I want it that way.

I've experienced/I am still experiencing best friend love. That's the kind where you love this person so much that you cannot see yourself not being their friend. The kind where miles do not matter and your phone lets you do most of the talking-both ways(I say "the phone lets you" for failing signals and bad reception). You do everything together, smile and laugh at the same things, finish each other' sentences-- you know. There is a difference, yes a big one. He will never hurt me, this I am certain. He is my rock. He is my best friend. His name is Kyle.

Is it cliche to lable types of love? I suppose I do not really mind. I digress.

I find it hard to see people getting married. Are they truly in that (as if there is a certain) type of love? They will grow old together because they live for each other? I believe that scares me, but it's intriguing-- no doubt.

I look ahead to my future and I always picture this girl who is wise in her years and too mature for her age, sophisticated and beautiful(I'm beautiful in the future), but doing everything alone. A girl who has been so independent her whole life that she doesn't know how to let anyone in to assist her in anyway. A girl who doesn't trust easily. A girl who is living her biggest fear and doesn't realize it because she doesn't have the time to and a girl who has been tattered and torn by years of lonely patterns that sufficate her until she can't taste the saline any longer. In the future I can no longer cry, it is a bore.


Internally, what a wretched person I would be. What a wretched person I would become. This is what I see. This is what I fear.